My journey through pregnancy will come to a close any day now. It has been a long road, taking over two years to finally reach the finish line, only that I may begin the journey of a lifetime that is motherhood. As you approach any finish line, it's pretty normal to look back and assess. You reminisce over the good parts, lament the bad ones, wish you could do it over again, or wipe your brow in relief that those days are behind you.
This has been a roller-coaster ride filled with the highest highs and the darkest lows. At many times I was certain I would never get past that point, that this pain was the worst pain I was capable of feeling and that any moment I would simply disintegrate from the force of my tears. And then the sun would rise, I'd find that I hadn't disintegrated and I found the strength to face another day.
Now, my thoughts have turned from contemplating if I would have a child to what am I going to do when she gets here. Even though almost every mother goes through the same emotional wringer, it's somehow no easier when your turn comes. I wonder if I'm up to the task. Do I have what it takes to be a good parent? Will I say and do the right things when it's absolutely crucial? Will she forgive me when I mess up?
Never mind the logistics of being responsible for a tiny human. It's been a while since I've been around babies, much less been in charge of the care and feeding of one. Like most new mothers, I worry about dropping her, being unable to soothe her, and most of all how am I going to feed her?! If I'm not worrying about producing enough or too much, I worry about feeding her around the clock how I'll manage the sleep deprivation. Will I be able to eat enough to sustain a milk supply? What if she's allergic to my milk?
I never thought I would even get to ask these questions. I never thought it would be my turn. I thought the last two years would end me, yet here I am standing strong and prepared for the challenges and triumphs that lie ahead. I may not know where or how all the pieces fit, but I know that together, my daughter and I will figure it out.